Crack is Whack!

A Smith One card is like an all access pass to a life of beyond your wildest dreams. A life where you have food, a place to sleep, where you can print (provided you have money on the card), where you can do laundry, access the vending machines, be a part of something greater than yourself. Didn't I tell you it was beyond your wildest dreams? As much as Smith College tries to claim that elitism does not exist on this campus (Hence the banning of Sororities, because some how they foster a culture of "I am better than you.") nothing says I am better than you more than a small plastic card that says you belong. And those that don't have one are not invited to the party (The most awesome fucking party in the world). Granted every Smith student has a one card but what happens when you lose it? Well according to Smith you are no longer a part of this community, you are rejected, you are no longer allowed to eat, sleep here(As in most cases one cannot access their dorms without one) or do anything that is necessary for survival. Basically you are condemned to being a skinny homeless person that nobody cares about UNTIL you pay $20 for a new one. 20 motherfucking, we are here to exploit your as much as we can, dollars. I remember the days, those good ol' days, when replacing a one card cost a mere $5 (enough to feed a family of five with a 99c burger each). And no it wasn't in the early 90's, it was 2006 where we ran through fields of flowers without a care in the world - except for student loans. Paying $20 dollars for a piece of plastic seems a little egregious, even if they do let you change your picture whenever you want (which is a pretty sweet deal for those of us who like prison escapee's when a camera flashes, I'm not talking about myself obviously =)

Last night what had happened was; If you seek Amy lost her one card in the crack of the Washburn porch. Change Washburn porch to your ass and you have a dirty joke, you can thank me later =). Pandemonium ensued, pandemonium of the H1N1 virus kind. But when a damsel is in distress who you gonna call? Washburn@midnight. Last night's player's were If you seek Amy (the damsel in distress), the self-proclaimed legend (who's job it was to document this moment of crisis, sometimes being a hero requires some sacrifice), Susie Jones Geology Major (a.k.a I can navigate any crack on a hard surface), Janet (If you don't get this reference by now, I don't know how can live with yourself), Trippin' on some shit (who was particularly strung out last night - from stress not heroine) and Snacktime (She's like a human human garbage disposal, not that she eats garbage...Smith food is far too gourmet to be referred to as garbage).

Our first response was to Call public safety (as in we are scared of mannequin with no arms and legs public safety)..and this is how the conversation went:

Public Safety: There's nothing we can do, you're just going to have to buy a new one. (For $20!!)

Click (that's the sound the phone makes when it disconnects =) What were we to do?


If you seek Amy: Fuck that shit. I’m getting that shit myself.

So the suggestions from brilliant minds (Brilliant Einstein like minds), came pouring out.

Janet: Get a trowel or a coat hanger

Self-proclaimed Legend: What’s a trowel? (As a non-American many things need to be explained to me, as I have no understanding of the silly words you people use. =)

Janet: It’s like a small spade.

As nobody thought that they would find themselves in this predicament - silly girls- nobody thought to pack a trowel when they were leaving for college. But not to fear, Janet's next brilliant idea came forth with lightning speed.

Janet: Somebody get me a coat hanger.

Susie Jones Geology Major: So you guys are performing illegal abortions again. (A reference to last night's blog)

Oh the wit, and ingenuity of Smith students. If our health insurance won't cover it anymore, we'll do this shit ourselves.

Susie Jones Geology Major: Get some lighter fluid. (Because a Smith one card is that important to us we are willing to burn down the house to get it back. Sorry washburnites, most of us would've have gotten out though)

Trippin' on some shit: Somebody get me some boots and I’ll kick it in.

Self-Proclaimed Legend: You can’t kick the new porch in. (This was before my magic finger's started tapping away at the computer, trying to capture this moment...which meant that this was the last time I spoke for the night. I told you being a hero has it's sacrifices.)

Janet: Do you wanna get sued for like 700 dollars? (Beat) oh, oh who has a flashlight. (The speed at which she spouts new ideas is beyond comprehension. She is like that annoying kid in class who always knew the answers.)

So If you seek Amy and Janet, torch in hand, run with a purpose that is often not existent in most of us when it comes to doing our school work and head to the porch. They return a few minute's later, with us having been waiting in bated breath.

If you seek Amy: I located it. (A flash light often has that effect in the dark).

Trippin on some shit: So did you get it back.

If you seek Amy: No I just know where it is.

Susie Jones Geology Major: How does that help?

If you seek Amy: Don’t sass me right now. (Oh If you seek Amy, sass is part of our charm)

If you seek Amy's eyes dart to a pair of Scissors lying on the floor. She quickly retreives them not caring eho they belong to.

If you Seek Amy: We’re going to get it out with some scissors.

Snacktime: Those are Narc's. (The voice of reason in last night's episode.)

If you Seek Amy: In that case they’re fair game. (When in crisis, no permission needed, everyone's shit is fair game. Fuck the Code of Honor)

Trippin' on some shit:Go fuck ‘em up then. (It is so evident how much she loves Narc).

If you seek Amy and Janet venture forth into the night once more. Mission Impossible is underway. They return some time later. If felt like forever for those of us who sat in the living room, afraid for their safety in the night. Considering that Homeless people have been found living in some of our basements, it would be no surprise if they encountered one under the porch...it's getting cold out after all.

If you seek Amy: What up bitch. (As she saunters in victoriously with the one card.)

All: How did you get it? (We obviously didn't do this in unison but rather in a frenzied shock fueled excitement)

If you seek Amy: We chop-sticked that bitch!
At which point Janet saunters, two hot rod's in hand. And no, you dirty little fucker's =), not some homeless Men's penis's (Even though it would've been nice, any penis would be nice at this point. We would just shower them up and take turns. Sharing is caring.)

If you seek Amy: I should call pub safety and tell them to suck on my dick. I ain’t paying 20 dollars for that shit.

Trippin' on some shit: No say that they can suck on your d…ICK! (The dramatic pause is for a better effect.)

Janet: I smell like a dude right now. It’s probably all that victory scent.

So the moral of this story is, Smith College should invest in chips that would be implanted into our skins so that no Smithie will have to face the devastation of losing their one card EVER again. It's just too much too handle. Many have died of heart failure because of this. And that when in crisis, once again, who you gonna call? Washburn@midnight. Last night proved that we truly can do anything we put our minds to including saving one cards from their doom, we are strong, intelligent women here to take over the world. Sister's are doing it for themselves. All for one and one for all. Even though most of us were just back seat driver's who couldn't be bothered enough to actually do anything besides offer pearls of wisdom (And they were pearls of wisdom mind you), the collective saved a damsel in distress, a damsel we call our friend, a damsel named, if you seek Amy.

So I say, good night, good luck and if you can help it don't lose your one card because your life will turn into a circus of fear, insanity and feelings of suicide.