We have been apart for far too long my friends, it's tantamount to having sex on tap and then suddenly one day your usually leaky faucet of a sex toy dries up and refuses to dance on command. A blue vagina is a very painful thing. So even though I am not back in Washburn...yet, I thought a little holiday filler would be much appreciated. As much as this means that the usual horny suspects are not involved (myself excluded) wherever I am the topic of sex seems to follow me everywhere...even though I'm not enjoying the benfits of actually having it. They say talk is cheap but at this current moment in my life, where all pockets and fluids have dried up, it is all I can afford. I can't even rub two cents together to buy a minute with a gigilo - this is how you know you have hit rock bottom.
The holidays are filled with love, laughter, alcohol (sadly alcohol only assists in helping one forget about everything but the one thing that one really wants to forget i.e. you're horny but still not getting laid) and good people all around but most importantly presents. Lots and lots of presents. An explosion if you will or rather an ejaculation of presents. I'm sure most of us lonely, sexually frustrated smith girls were hoping to find a dildo or two, maybe a vilgo or some extra anal nitrate to masturbate with but alas those dreams did not come to pass. Even for me. I guess it's a good thing because the last thing one wants to receive from santa is a big ol' message saying..."even I couldn't find you a penis this year, this is the closest you're gonna get to a porking." This would've been very disturbing for many reasons,the first being that god grew too tired of listening to my nightly pleas for a man, any man even a homless one that he passed the job on to the minion who is meant to take over for him while he is off partying up a storm, turning water into wine, puking on gabriels robes and having his dear son (the birthday boy) put him to bed as he was too wasted to find his own way back. This sounds like a night in most households during this time of year, so don't judge the holy family. Joan Osborne asked the question...what if god was one of us? This would be my answer. Now if god and santa can't save you from your lack of a sex life, then you're fresh out of luck, a miracle or a prayer. It's just you and your hand for life. The second reason that such a present from santa would be disturbing is that the news of your sexlessness made it to the north pole!! They don't even have email in the north pole. How the fuck did word get around to them?? So I guess even though your stocking wasn't stuffed ;)the way you wanted it to be there are some things you can be grateful for.
This year we had a very belated extended family present giving celebration (hence the title) which I had been giddily looking forward to since I heard that one of my presents was highly inappropriate...(finally someone who read my mind and bought me a night at the local brothel) i was engorged with anticipation. Nobody appreciates inappropriate more than I do. My mind was racing with possibilities, amazing possibilities, i even had wonderful wet dreams about these possibilities. Needless to say today was the day and it was fabulous. My heart was pounding as I tore off the wrapping paper to find..."The sexy book of sexy sex." Orgasmic. This book was made for me, made for all of us who can't have sex so are incarcerated to read, write and hear about it. Note: Washburnites as much as sharing is caring there are some things I am not will to pass around for free. My men? Yes. This book? $5 lending fee,
for insurance purposes ofcourse. But trust me it is worth every penny. It is so inappropriate that some of the contents even made me blush (and you know how hard it is to make a black woman blush). I wish i coud discuss it here but I don't want to be deported for distributing pornographic content. Now the present giver was a little worried that this present was a little inappropriate for him to give to me as it could have incestuous conotations. But i did not take it that way...so you can breathe a sigh of relief G,I have never been under any illusion that you are mormon. But the present had to be explained to the rest of the family as they did not have the context of my being a sex-crazed lunatic. Damnit there goes my pure as snow, butter wouldn't melt in my mouth, angelic persona that I try to put out (heehee) to those (specifically anyone over the age of 30, religious folks and republicans) who wouldn't relate. The following explanation was given:
G: Now please know that I didn't really realize until I read it how much more inappropriate it was then I originally thought.
E: So when G and I went shopping and he showed me the book he was so worried that it was a little inappropriate to give to the self-procaliamed legend. And I said that it was but the self-proclaimed legend is a big enough pervert to appreciate it. (How did she know? I must've forced her to read my blog at some point...like I do to all my friends).
She knows me too well. She hit the nail on the head.Considering that she is my best fried and we were roommates our freshman year, I am not surprised. We know each other inside and out. And for those of you who just had dirty image flash through your minds...shame on you!! There are alot of kinky, nasty things I would be willing to try...but incest is not one of them. ;)
So I sign off by giving some unsolicited last words...Holiday weight gain = hundreds of dollars to lose (mostly spent on ineffective weight loss shakes, pills and food delivery services), giving chritmas presents = far too much for all of our pockets to survive but getting the perfect guide to a life i can only fanticize about = priceless.
For all of those who will be lending this book out from me please try not to stain it and make sure you live alone...your roomate might not appreciate your squeals of ecstacy.
Good night, good luck and keep it tight...just incase. =)
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