GOD is that you?

Yes it is! And I am a SHE. I use the pronoun she because the myth of my being a man has been perpetuated for far too long and being the feminist that I am, I have grown to resent it. For many years while I was still experimenting with my gender identity it didn't really matter to me. Today I could me a man, tomorrow maybe not. I was fluid like that. But recently I have settled on an identity that I believe truly encompasses my being. I am a strong black woman and motherfucking proud of it. Now by choosing this identity I am in no way invalidating those who do not wish to fit into gender molds...in fact all power to you. I mean if GOD can do it, so can you right? True to a certain extent...we may have experienced similar journey's in life BUT do not be mistaken we are not equals. I live in the sky for a reason...I am above you, I get to look down on you and at you. You live on earth for a reason...you are below me, you get to look up to me and at me (adoringly, in awe and fearfully). The class system, racism, sexism and all other forms of ism's took their notes from my power structure. There is no such thing as an original idea in this world.
By being a strong black woman I am also, in no way trying to shun the male species but after watching the human race for eons, contrary to popular belief, i have learned that the male species is quite inferior and as GOD inferiority is not in my genetic code. =)I still love the male species, don't get me wrong and many of my good friends are men, but sometimes when I look at them I lose all hope for the human race. Don't hang your heads in shame men of the world it's only sometimes. And lastly my being a strong black woman does not say anything negative about the white race but I've already been white (according to the BIBLE, even though Jesus was Mediterranean) and a man...it's a new era and it's time for a change. Like Obama I am the new "black" face in a job position that was previously dominated by white men.
So now that I have exposed myself (even in a post about GODLINESS I cannot escape sexual connotations...nobody is perfect including GOD in human from) I would like you to all know that I am not a completely moral GOD, flattery, bribes and generally corrupt activity is welcome. The only way to get a ticket into heaven is to buy one...heaven's upkeep is a lot more expensive than you might think. You're GOD you can do anything can't you? YES I can but like BUSH during the first year of his presidency I prefer to spend a good chunk of my "work" doing nothing but playing golf, drinking (secretly) and being a lazy bum. After building the earth in seven days I think I deserve an eternity of rest.
I'm sure that many of you have millions of questions for me now that I am present in human form so even though I am busy, I will try to answer them. Count yourselves lucky though because generally I don't care enough to listen let alone answer. Some may ask why don't I solve the world's problems? Well the simple answer here is it's just far too much fun watching the human race fuck up. Y'all are hilarious. You are my only source of entertainment (reality TV seems to have caught on down here aswell) and trust if you could see yourselves the jersey shore would pail in comparison to your antics. We have weekly viewing parties at your expense and without fail Gabriel always ends up peeing in his pants. It's quite embarrassing actually I have tried to get him to get help for his uncontrollable bladder problems but alas angel's don't like to admit that they are imperfect and contrary to popular belief they don't always listen to me just because I am GOD. Has anyone ever heard of Lucifer and his demons? But he shall not be cast out of heaven because drenching my robes in urine is not as punishable an offense as trying to stage a coup'.
Why do I let the human race run riot, being despicable and generally screwing each other (there it is again...sexual connotation #2)? I made a bad business decision a long time ago with Adam and Eve, signing a contract giving man free will. Even GOD has to adhere to the terms of the contracts she signs. Yes they did disobey me but when I scolded them they made a proposition I couldn't refuse. Give us free will and we will be the greatest entertainment on earth and since up until then I had been bored out of my wits looking at perfection 24/7 for quite sometime, I couldn't refuse.
Another question might be are you a loving God or a vengeful God? Back in the good old days they had it right. I am a spiteful, vengeful, lightning bolt wielding motherfucker. Being feared and worshiped is what I get off (#3)on. I have an EGO, sue me. So be afraid be very afraid and stay in line or else I might not be so welcoming when you get to my extravagant, gold paved and diamond encrusted paradise. Inciting fear is the best way to maintain power and control (and i love power and control...admit it you totally want to be me). I have a power and control over everything; life & death, happiness & sadness, the weather even whether or not your new color dye will turn out the way it looks on the box or if you'll walk out the salon with orange hair. Although at Smith College most wouldn't find that to be a problem. Again the principle of inciting fear to gain and maintain control and power is one that has been stolen from me by dictators, totalitarians, fascists, George W. Bush and the Republican party. Stick with what works. The notion of my being a loving, caring, forgiving god who only wants you to "try' your best is all a bunch of progressive, liberal, flower power bullshit! Ever since the 60's ushered in an era of free love, tolerance, acceptance and progressive thinking I was suddenly made out to be some kind of cuddly, cute, long skirt wearing, hand-holding, flower throwing, full of "all things sugar and spice" kind of GOD. Where is the fun in that? Nowhere. Do not let the liberal Media brainwash you...listen to Sarah Palin she has the right idea.
Lastly you my ask...what should we call you, GOD, JESUS, BUDDHA, MOHAMED, ALLAH, KRISHNA or many of the other names people have come up with? I say, "a rose by any other name is still a rose." HAHAHAHA. Gotcha. You almost believed that I was actually a bleeding liberal for a second. A rose by any other name is then whatever ever other name you use to call it. I am a Christian GOD and if you don't get your ass in gear and fall in line you will burn in hell, heathens!! [America and 20% of Europeans have it right].I'm kidding (every Christian heart just sank...sorry, I did tell you that I was a cruel practical joker though). I am more of a politician than that. I pander to whichever religion gives me the most worship, devotion, fear, sacrifice and riches. It changes every decade or so it's a pretty fair race. If you are lucky enough to have been a part of the winning religion at your time of death...welcome to heaven. If not, maybe you should've spent more time fostering fanaticism within your religion instead of just "trying" to be a good person. Atheists and agnostics have a lot of work to do as they are consistently in the bottom two.

That will be the last of my answers for this blog post (as it is way too long as it is) but if you have anymore you are more than welcome to send me a facebook message or an email and I will get back to you as soon as I feel like it. I don't answer phone calls, texts or prayers (well rarely anyway) because a) that is soooo last decade and b) my answers would then have to be immediate, so if i get emails and facebook messages I can answer at my own discretion. That's just how I roll.

Good night, Good luck and remember go out, preach the good word [whatever that means to you as i have learned that "good" is in fact a relative term (apparently most words are0...thanks liberal arts education], be afraid and don't forget to earn me some riches. ;)

Post-mature Ejaculation

We have been apart for far too long my friends, it's tantamount to having sex on tap and then suddenly one day your usually leaky faucet of a sex toy dries up and refuses to dance on command. A blue vagina is a very painful thing. So even though I am not back in Washburn...yet, I thought a little holiday filler would be much appreciated. As much as this means that the usual horny suspects are not involved (myself excluded) wherever I am the topic of sex seems to follow me everywhere...even though I'm not enjoying the benfits of actually having it. They say talk is cheap but at this current moment in my life, where all pockets and fluids have dried up, it is all I can afford. I can't even rub two cents together to buy a minute with a gigilo - this is how you know you have hit rock bottom.

The holidays are filled with love, laughter, alcohol (sadly alcohol only assists in helping one forget about everything but the one thing that one really wants to forget i.e. you're horny but still not getting laid) and good people all around but most importantly presents. Lots and lots of presents. An explosion if you will or rather an ejaculation of presents. I'm sure most of us lonely, sexually frustrated smith girls were hoping to find a dildo or two, maybe a vilgo or some extra anal nitrate to masturbate with but alas those dreams did not come to pass. Even for me. I guess it's a good thing because the last thing one wants to receive from santa is a big ol' message saying..."even I couldn't find you a penis this year, this is the closest you're gonna get to a porking." This would've been very disturbing for many reasons,the first being that god grew too tired of listening to my nightly pleas for a man, any man even a homless one that he passed the job on to the minion who is meant to take over for him while he is off partying up a storm, turning water into wine, puking on gabriels robes and having his dear son (the birthday boy) put him to bed as he was too wasted to find his own way back. This sounds like a night in most households during this time of year, so don't judge the holy family. Joan Osborne asked the question...what if god was one of us? This would be my answer. Now if god and santa can't save you from your lack of a sex life, then you're fresh out of luck, a miracle or a prayer. It's just you and your hand for life. The second reason that such a present from santa would be disturbing is that the news of your sexlessness made it to the north pole!! They don't even have email in the north pole. How the fuck did word get around to them?? So I guess even though your stocking wasn't stuffed ;)the way you wanted it to be there are some things you can be grateful for.

This year we had a very belated extended family present giving celebration (hence the title) which I had been giddily looking forward to since I heard that one of my presents was highly inappropriate...(finally someone who read my mind and bought me a night at the local brothel) i was engorged with anticipation. Nobody appreciates inappropriate more than I do. My mind was racing with possibilities, amazing possibilities, i even had wonderful wet dreams about these possibilities. Needless to say today was the day and it was fabulous. My heart was pounding as I tore off the wrapping paper to find..."The sexy book of sexy sex." Orgasmic. This book was made for me, made for all of us who can't have sex so are incarcerated to read, write and hear about it. Note: Washburnites as much as sharing is caring there are some things I am not will to pass around for free. My men? Yes. This book? $5 lending fee,
for insurance purposes ofcourse. But trust me it is worth every penny. It is so inappropriate that some of the contents even made me blush (and you know how hard it is to make a black woman blush). I wish i coud discuss it here but I don't want to be deported for distributing pornographic content. Now the present giver was a little worried that this present was a little inappropriate for him to give to me as it could have incestuous conotations. But i did not take it that way...so you can breathe a sigh of relief G,I have never been under any illusion that you are mormon. But the present had to be explained to the rest of the family as they did not have the context of my being a sex-crazed lunatic. Damnit there goes my pure as snow, butter wouldn't melt in my mouth, angelic persona that I try to put out (heehee) to those (specifically anyone over the age of 30, religious folks and republicans) who wouldn't relate. The following explanation was given:

G: Now please know that I didn't really realize until I read it how much more inappropriate it was then I originally thought.

E: So when G and I went shopping and he showed me the book he was so worried that it was a little inappropriate to give to the self-procaliamed legend. And I said that it was but the self-proclaimed legend is a big enough pervert to appreciate it. (How did she know? I must've forced her to read my blog at some point...like I do to all my friends).

She knows me too well. She hit the nail on the head.Considering that she is my best fried and we were roommates our freshman year, I am not surprised. We know each other inside and out. And for those of you who just had dirty image flash through your minds...shame on you!! There are alot of kinky, nasty things I would be willing to try...but incest is not one of them. ;)

So I sign off by giving some unsolicited last words...Holiday weight gain = hundreds of dollars to lose (mostly spent on ineffective weight loss shakes, pills and food delivery services), giving chritmas presents = far too much for all of our pockets to survive but getting the perfect guide to a life i can only fanticize about = priceless.

For all of those who will be lending this book out from me please try not to stain it and make sure you live alone...your roomate might not appreciate your squeals of ecstacy.

Good night, good luck and keep it tight...just incase. =)