I always suspected that I was living amongst deviants, miscreants, perverts (both good and bad) and generally kinky (",) individuals (As you can see thesaurus.com is my favorite website). Last weeks conversation confirmed that my suspicions were not just figments of my paranoid, David Icke - worshiping, big brother - fearing, world is ending in 2012, conspiracy theorist imaginations, they were always a legitimate, logical, extremely accurate fear of my peers (And if you don't believe me, the day will come when I get to say I told you so!! Vindication will be mine, even if it is at the expense of your ass-hole [anal-probes are real], your mind [the illuminati is brainwashing you...Lady gaga's vag-thusiastic new Music video should prove that. Illuminati symbolism is everywhere, controlling your mind and turning you into agents of their apocalypse] or even at the expense of your LIFE [If you do not have an underground bunker, stocked with perishables, water and all the lube you could ever need (because it gets lonely down there...heehee. You've just been PUN'D)then you're clearly a candidate for a darwin award and deserve to die when THE nuclear war breaks out]. I will be laughing all the way to the bank of self-righteous indignation.
A myth that is often perpetuated by administrative figures of this college, is that Smith women graduate and go on to change the world, win Nobel peace prizes [well not yet...but who knows? It could be your daughter], feed the starving [like Jesus we can feed the world with 3 loaves of gluten-free, wholewheat bread and 5 organic, non-endangered species FISH], become heads of state [Like Virginia, not United States...glass ceiling is still a little too thick for that] and generally bring Love and happiness to all people's of the world. It might be a bit of an exaggeration BUT i distinctly remember my admissions package saying something along those lines. This elaborate myth is concocted to hide the real truth about Smithies. More often than not we graduate to become criminals, gangsters, mad scientisst [the Josef Mengele kind] pathological liars, sociopaths, psychopaths and any other paths (PUN'D again) there may be. Oh and I'm pretty sure a fair number of us might graduate to become serial killers (who here isn't homicidal by their junior year???). Honestly were are so tightly wound up from frustration (both sexual and otherwise), fear of failure and a sick competitive nature that it is no surprise we will EXPLODE in some way or another [I'd prefer it to be from ecstasy] when the confining walls of Smith let us loose.
This conversation covered a variety of topics in the space of about 20 minutes. From cheating lie detector tests to terrorism, cosmetic surgery and then babies. How is it possible to string so many seemingly random, unrelated topics together? Well its called ADHD and if you've ever been to Smith health/Counseling services you've probably been diagnosed with it once or twice. Anti-psychotics before Anti-biotics is the health services M.O. If you're having trouble concentrating on your homework...you definitely have ADHD, the fact that you might be bored out of your mind with the material doesn't really factor into the equation. We had a fair number of blog virgins in this conversation, which is so exciting. I love taking people's virginity's [I know what you're thinking right now and ya'll have sick minds. Blog Virginity's is what I meant, clearly!]. The players in last weeks conversation were (Howard) Wolowitz (Who doesn't love a guy who looks like he should've been on that 70's Show rather than the big bang theory.), Lizbeth Salander [This girl kicks ass...I mean, literally, will kick your ass, punch you in the face, tie you up and brand you like a farm animal. This character isn't so much new to the blog, she's just been revamped.], Liz Lemon [ "A New York third-wave feminist, college-educated, single-and-pretending-to-be-happy-about-it, over-scheduled, undersexed, you buy any magazine that says 'healthy body image' on the cover and every two years you take up knitting for...a week." Thanks JACK for that highly inaccurate description, well about our liz lemon not yours.], Madame Vagina [I'm pretty sure that she came up with the concept for 'Born this Way', You get a vagina, you get a vagina Everybody get's a vaginaaaaa], and Banksy [The underground rebel, fuck up your mind with the truth, real life TYLER DURDEN. It could be me, it could be you. No one really knows.]. Some of our blog veterans Included, Trippin' on some shit, Susie Jones Geology major and Me, your ever faithful (slightly stressed, under-slept and usually delusional) voyeur in to the world of Washburn Crazy...the Self-proclaimed legend [or as I am now known, 'legs'].
WARNING: This is a very long (sorta like tantric sex) conversation. So if you in fact have ADHD you probably won't get through this in one sitting or EVER. But if you are eager for some black mail material against your friends, be patient and read on.
It started out innocently enough...
Wolowitz: [To Lizbeth] Did you go to the Secret Service thing? (Big Brother. 'nuf said)
Lizebth Salander: No when is it?
Wolowitz: It's already past, it was on Rally day.
The Self-procalimed Legend: What was the Secret Service doing here? [Clearly not being from this country, underhanded recruitment methods are something I am not familiar with]
Lizbeth Salander: Recruiting.
The self-procalimed Legend: College Students? [I thought that they only targeted innocent high school dropouts, from socio-economically poor backgrounds with no hope for a future (so they say)...except voluntary death, for an unnecessary cause OR is that just the U.S. Armed forces?]
Lizbeth Salander: Yeah. The CIA, the FBI and the Secret Service have started using anthropologists, because Anthropologists have a legitimate reason to be in other countries and ask probing questions. [Again. "Probing". 'nuf said]
The Self-proclaimed Legend: But seriously college students? Aren't there older anthropologists they could use?
Lizebth Salander: Well they want to get you before you've gone out into the world and developed any ethics. [BINGO. GAME. SET. MATCH. Devious but Brilliant Game plan.] And they go to High Schools. [NOTE: At this point I started to wonder why Lizebeth knew so much about such covert matters...was she an agent, was she paranoid? Then I realized She's fucking lizbeth Salander she's like the Wiki leaks guy but hotter. She is a BAMF!!]
The Self-proclaimed Legend: High Schoolers? That's Sick.
Lizbeth Salander: Well they (the agents) were taken into the secret service (or F.B.I or C.I.A...from now on they're interchangeable) before they developed any ethics so they don't care.
The Self-proclaimed Legend: Well I have actually heard that it's quite easy to get an entry level job at the C.I.A straight out of College. [This my attempt to try and prove that I have actually assimilated and know a few things about this country...but I was about to be schooled.]
Lizbeth Salander: No that's not true. It's very difficult actually. You could never have been arrested and you couldn't have taken drugs in the past three years. [Fuck that eliminates at least 60% of us in this house alone]
Trippin' on some shit: How would they know if you have or not, you could just lie. [Gettin' worried there trippin' on some shit...all day e'ery day?]
Lizbeth Salander:No they make you take a lie detector test and get a psychological evaluation. [I've decided she is the wikileaks guy]
The self-proclaimed Legend: Well you can fake a lie detector test.
NOTE: This is the point where the conversation takes on a very suspicious turn. Why would anyone want to know how to fake a lie detector test, UNLESS they were planning to encounter one in the Near FUTURE. Smithies...'nuf said.
Madame Vagina: Yeah those things aren't very reliable are they?
Self-Proclaimed Legend: It's better to use a human lie detector test than a machine. [As you can see everything I know is informed by TV...Lie to ME anyone? Fox Mondays 9PM. If Fox says its true then it is LAW.]
Trippin' on some shit: No if you are delusional enough to believe your own lies, you could pass. [I guess you would know, trippin' on some shit...like Acid]
Lizbeth Salander: That's true I guess.
Trippin' on some shit: Or you could just get really baked and then you'd be so mellow. [I take your word for it, you're the expert.]
Lizbeth Salander: Trippin' they make you take a drug test. [Duh...she didn't say that but she was probably thinking it.]
Self-proclaimed Legend: Is valium detected in drug tests?
Trippin' on some shit: No they can't detect it in basic drug tests. [Why am I surprised that she knows this?]
Self-proclaimed Legend: See, I would pop some valium and be as calm as a Hindu cow. [I'm pretty sure I still have that prescription Smith gave me. hmm]
Liz Lemon: Yeah they're not very reliable. I mean you could just be nervous about taking a lie detector test, BECAUSE it's a lie detector test and it's the F.B.I. Who wouldn't fail? [This wreaks of someone who took a lie detector test...and FAILED. Just saying.]
Trippin' on some shit: Or you could put yourself in a hypertensive state an it would fuck up the detectors. Everything would look the same.
Banksy: Wait a minute why are we talking about lie detectors?
Self-proclaimed Legend: Well I have to take one.
Banksy: What? Really? [She was a little alarmed at the fact that she may living amongst social deviants]
Self-proclaimed Legend: Yeah because the F.B.I thinks I'm a terrorist. [All brown people are terrorists aren't they?]
Banksy: Shut Up Self-proclaimed Legend. [I need to work on my pathological lying If I'm to get away with Shit in the future.]
{Lizbeth Salander went on to explain the conversation that you've already read to Banksy}
Self-proclaimed Legend: I'm not lying. I make bombs in my bedroom, getting ready to strap them on and blow something up. [I am seriously going to be deported for this Statement.]
Lizbeth Salander: But what would you blow up? I mean what reason do you have for blowing anything up? [Clearly she has yet to hack into my classified file]
Self-proclaimed Legend: I would blow Smith up. For fucking up my life and turning me into a crazy psycho person. In fact for turning us all into crazy fucked up people. Who are stressed out all the time with all this fucking WORK. I'm gonna go to Christ's (as in the president not the deity) now and say what up bitch? BOOM.
[ a) Way to project your feelings on to everyone else psycho, b) Yeah I'm sure that's exactly how the conversation will go down and c) WOW I really sound like a future cult leader.]
Trippin' on some shit: Yeah let's do it and then run away to Canada.
Liz Lemon: Yeah Canada is a great place to hide. [Is that sarcasm I hear or am I just paranoid?]
Susie Jones Geology Major: Because Canada is totally going to protect you from being extradited back to the U.S. [Ok so I'm not paranoid this is sarcasm.]
Self-proclaimed Legend: And I definitely won't stick out in Canada. [ Sarcasm reigns. I would totally stick out in Canada...because Canada is full of white people. How do I know this? No self respecting black person would ever voluntarily live in a country where Ice hockey is the national sport. How many black people do you see skating around with hockey sticks, hitting a puck?]
Trippin' on some shit: That's what reconstructive surgery is for? [Aha moment...we need to get this shit on Oprah's magazine]
Self-proclaimed Legend: Ooooh who would I be? (thinking, thinking, thinking) I'd be Michael Jackson. [Wow...you're really smart. Like people aren't going to notice a dead man walking?? I sadden myself sometimes.] I'd just make myself white that would confuse the shit out of them. They'd be like, "wait you're white, we're looking for a black person." [This is exactly how the conversation would go down.]
Trippin' on some Shit: That's good. Then I'd be a black person. [Ebony and Ivory together again ;)]
Liz Lemon: Wait that wouldn't work because they're looking for a black person and a white person so they'd just switch you guys around. [Goddamit why do smart people have to crush everyone's childish dreams with logic and reason and reality???]
Self-proclaimed Legend: Good Point. Trippin' you need to find another nationality. [I meant race or maybe ethnicity? Could somebody remind me what the new PC term is again?]
Trippin' on some shit: Oooh I could be Asian.
Self-proclaimed Legend: Perfect. That would really screw them up. They'd be like, " You're white and you're Asian. We're looking for black and white people." [It's such a great thing that I want to be a screenwriter because my dialogue skills are off the chain. I'm the next Aaron Sorkin baby.]
Trippin' on some shit: I'd have to bind my chest.
Self-proclaimed Legend: I'd just have to get Double D's because I can't really grind my boobs down. [GRIND??? really? I'm a little worried I have lost too many brain cells]
Liz Lemon: And, Self-proclaimed legend, if they can't make you white, they could whiten your skin enough that you'd look Latina.
NOTE: Smithies are so Smart we, in ten minutes, have done what no other terrorist organization has manged to do or think of doing in months of planning. Work out an escape plan. 'We don't get caught' is our tag line.
Self-proclaimed Legend: OMG. That's brilliant. That would even be more perfect. An Asian and a Latina. [This is so not racially inappropriate at all] We got this AND my ovaries would still be black so I can still have blasians. [Who knew that ovaries also came in different racial classifications? I did clearly.]
Susie Jones Geology Major: It was just a matter of time before the blasian topic came up. [Do I really talk about it that often?]
Self - proclaimed Legend: I love blasians so much. [I just answered my own question] They're so gorgeous. I only want beautiful babies. If I had ugly children I don't think I can handle it. [I guess you know which side of the Designer baby debate I fall on.]
Liz Lemon: Like the thundercat baby. [Why?? why do you hate me Liz? Why would you bring this shameful part of my life up? I have never done anything to you.]
Self-proclaimed Legend: Oh dear god. [I'm talking to myself again] That thundercat baby is so ugly its frightening. I'd have to get rid of IT. I guess that's what boarding school is for. [Whoever said that there are no ugly babies in this world has not seen the thundercat spawn of Chuckie. You'll give yourself a hysterectomy just knowing there might be a chance of such an atrocity squeezing out of your vagina. It could actually be used to promote Abstinence very successfully.]
Trippin on some Shit: (She points straight ahead without saying anything for a while, leaving us all wondering if she had gone mute.) That's what the hubbard dumpster is for. [When in doubt, look to the hubbard dumpsters]
Liz Lemon: (Color comes rushing back into her face) I thought you were pointing at me for a second and I was like I'm not taking care of that ugly thundercat baby. I don't want to raise it. [You're preaching to the Choir Liz.]
Susie Jones Geology Major: Or you could just send it out into drug dealing a lot earlier. Let's say 3 years old instead of 5.
Self-proclaimed Legend: That's true that's a good idea.
[You see my philosophy on children is that I only have to take care of them until they're like five. Then I can send them out into the world and tell them that they have to find their own means of providing for themselves because "mommy's money is mommy's money. If you wanna eat you have to make your own money." Of course I would make them pay rent if they wanted to continue living in my house. They need to learn the value of a dollar...the earlier the better.]
Liz Lemon: Wait if Trippin' is going to be Asian and then go on to have gender reconstructive surgery then you and Legend could have blasians. [ 1 + 1 = 2 right? No Liz not quite. Not this time. Why? you ask.]
Self-proclaimed Legend:No because her sperm would still be white. [That's why. Sperm is also racially classified. It's a very new discovery. Very few people have heard about it.] I'm just going to have to find myself an Asian man or go to a sperm bank.
Madame Vagina: Well what about genetic anomalies? Even with Asian sperm you could still have a black baby. I mean two black people can even have a white baby. [Dear Madame Vagina, I never knew dominatrix sex workers were smart. Are you one of those girls who 'pays' her way through college by stripping?]
Self-proclaimed Legend: hmm true.
Liz Lemon: Wait why are we talking about sperm banks and artificial incemination when we have a geneticist in the room? [Let's Euphamise it Liz, you mean 'Eugenicist' don't you? I know it's not the PC thing to say but i know you mean. wink. Who's the 'geneticist' you ask? That's a secret I'll never tell. XOXO Gossip girl]
WOW. What a tantric session. There is nothing like a delayed orgasm to make you feel great. ;) Now back to (non-virtual) reality. I know that Eugenics and Designer babies are not really a 'PC' topic. But think about it...do you really want an ugly baby? Babies are like accessories, they're supposed to be pretty. Designer babies are all the rage this season. And it's a known fact that beautiful people have better, happier lives. [With good reason] Looks are everything no body cares about brains. Why would you force your child to have a hard, painful life filled with ridicule and torment? That's not very nice of you. A good parent would do anything to have the best for their child, wouldn't they? The best = Beautiful. 'nuf said.
So in summation. If you ever find yourself in compromising position (not the good kind) at least now you know how to lie your way through a lie detector test and if when you do decide to have baby someday, consult your local Eugenicist...it'll be good for you and the baby.
Good night, good luck and remember when in doubt...ask a fellow washburnite. We have all the answers all day e'eryday. 'nuf said.
